An Unbridled Tongue

1st: my blog is a place where I let fly a lot. So is facebook.

2nd: I've really blown it this time.

Until recently hearing how far and wide my latest failure made it, I had no idea how bad a mistake I had made. I hurt people who I love. I attacked someone unmercifully and in anger and with very limited knowledge of her situation. And now that I look back on it, I would not have wanted done to me what I did to this person on Facebook.

And for that, I wish to apologize to everyone who watched a real sad attack on my part. I have a problem -- an unbridled tongue and a tendency toward knee-jerk reactions when I see what I consider to be injustice and attack upon my friends -- even when I have absolutely no knowledge of the scenario.

True justice takes research, questions, investigation, trials, etc. Reaction is not justice. That is what I am learning. Being reactionary is what a friend called me out on a few months back as me creating my own "myth of redemptive violence."

You see, somewhere I missed that family teaching on tact, verbal restraint and bearing with others in love and patience. I was taught in my family mostly to correct others I see doing wrong and correct them quickly (even adults) and to ask questions later. But I am beginning to see the folly of my family history and personal history of knee-jerk reaction. I just come from a very different place than most people I know, culturally... very much different than most families (except a couple of the harshest Italian and/or Irish/German immigrant families I've met and read about).

I was reminded of this from my recent visit back to Seattle for 2 weeks where I was told that I have totally "toned it down" and I've become "soft" and even "woosie" (said in that blunt Seattelite way).

So none of this excuses what I've done or who I've hurt. But it does make me believe that I have toned it down and can continue to improve with the help of 4 friends who have confronted me and offered me loving accountability. With that confrontation, I hope to hurt fewer and fewer people. Slowly but surely.

A friend of mine recently offered to serve as a filter for me to help me think before I post here.

I am really indebted to this person. Because this person has already given me some feedback that was really enlightening about a blog post I was about to put up. I have even submitted this very post to this person for evaluation.

I'm now beginning to wonder how much pain my blog posts have caused people over the years.

If you're someone I've hurt, please let me know. Please be confrontational like 4 people in my community have been with me in the past month... if you don't tell me, I cannot grow. And growing is really my only interest in this life.

And not hurting others needlessly is something I have decided needs to be a new goal for me. It's a new year. And I'm hoping to change. Please help me if you know me. As best I can, I will be practicing a 24 hour resting period on my blog and facebook posts when I am angry.